By Elliott Gilleran (‘27)

A bowl of “Cap’n” Crunch’s “OOPS!” All Berries. Image courtesy of Flickr

OOPs! All Berries is one of many breakfast cereals produced under the Cap’n Crunch brand name. The main draw of the cereal for breakfast connoisseurs near and far is its purported accidental origins, and the seemingly innocent image of the esteemed Captain Crunch. 

While at first glance the cereal claims that it was made entirely by accident, research by The Underachiever revealed shocking new evidence that may discredit this claim entirely. Further research discovered that this research was shocking to us.

Disgruntled former Peanut Butter Crunch mascot Smedley the elephant offered the initial tip to The Underachiever.

“They tell you that it was a mistake, they say it was an accident, that cereal was no accident I tell you. Planned and coordinated, planned and coordinated straight from the captain himself.” Smedley said. “That shrug on the box and that look on the captain’s face, all just a facade to cover up the true origins of the cereal.” He continued. “How do they expect us to believe that these automated machines designed to never make an error accidentally happened to make a box completely full of JUST berries, and then continues to make the same mistake to this very day. Even if that initial production was an accident, they continue to refuse to learn from their mistakes and right their wrongs.” Smedley went on to further allege that there is a larger conspiracy to hide the true nature of the cereal and the brand. “Thats just the tip of the iceberg, “Cap’n” Crunch isn’t even a captain. It’s all just a sham made up by the marketing team. He’s not even real, I’m not even real. It’s all LIES, from top to bottom.”

The allegations put forth by Smedley puts the whole Cap’n Crunch brand into question, shaking the very foundations of the cereal community. If the allegations of the captain lying about his status are true, it would be a clear violation of the Stolen Valor act of 2013, and the claims that the cereal was all planned from the beginning have already begun to reverberate around the cereal world.

“They’re calling it berrygate,” said longtime cereal fan Tony Fergusson, “I’ve been a longtime fan for a long time, and I, like many others, feel betrayed. It feels as if MISTER Crunch doesn’t even care about the cereal community”.It’s still unclear how these developments will affect the upcoming release of Kellogg’s OOPs! All Corn.