By Giulia Pincetti (’24)
Breathe. A feeling so ignored yet so needed at times when you feel like your drowning and gasping for air all around you that seems to have slipped out of your grasp. My hands start to shake as I feel the label, failure being pressed against my head. I’m drowning. I tell myself that I can get out of the water, but I can’t. I reach for comfort, but my hands slip away. I’m drowning. Heat creeps in as I feel the world that I could have had dropped in front of me. I can do this, yet I don’t. I’m still drowning. Breathe. A feeling so ignored until you can see the future being played on replay over and over in your head as you ache for air. I NEED AIR.
But the reality of it is, do you need air? Or was it there the entire time. What made it so hard to breathe? A sense of urgency climbs through me as I feel like I don’t have air. I feel as if I’m falling.
I’m a bird. A hummingbird in a glass ball surrounded by majestic creatures and flowers. However, outside my glass ball, not only is there something that I so desperately want that I would fall to the edge of the Earth to get, but there are hawks and cats and gloomy weather that tear at my wings as I flap for my wants. Would you leave the glass ball to search for the wonders of your soul or stay where the predators can’t come? I ponder this question all I can, except I was forced out of my protective barrier, and maybe I just want to go back to it. Back where the world isn’t so big and scary, where every corner you turn more things keep trying to dager you until you can’t breathe to the point where you’re about to drown.
I feel this feeling once in a while when I take a test. I feel like I’m drowning because I turn that page and something are ready to dager me. Drowning me. And to be honest i’m still struggling with that. To sit down and turn that page. It’s hard. But know that if you are also struggling with anxiety, it’s okay. Everything will be okay. When you’re taking a test and your hands start to shake, and your heart starts to explode out of your chest or you see the time ticking away, know that there is probably someone next to you feeling what you feel. You aren’t alone and I know that it’s hard to snap out of it when it happens. It’s okay. Breathe. Every time I take a test, I remind myself of the air that I usually am too ignorant to notice. It’s there. Breathe. And guess what, breathing doesn’t always help me, but it helps me after a test to remember that i’m loved and can still reach for the majestic creatures if I remove the dagger that I have been hit with. We all struggle and some of us magnify the smallest problems and spiral them in our heads, turning them into daggers, but remember, the daggers you’re creating in your imagination are miniscule. You can overcome them.
Sometimes you just need to fail. Everyone has a tumble and you need to tumble in order to have a chance to get up. When you tumble, when you feel the dagger’s pointed at you,
Dance in the bathroom with your brush and eat ice cream while watching a comedy! Enjoy life! We are the ones who have created a glass ball, hiding us from the real world. It sucks. I hate it! I just want to fly! I don’t want to feel like I’m drowning, but rather I want to feel like I’m on a sugar high every moment of my life! I’m done crying over the things that won’t matter in a year. As I said earlier, I was forced out of my glass ball. However if I wasn’t, I wouldn’t ever have had the chance to live.
I think I’ll always have anxiety but maybe it’s about finally controlling it and flowing with the world rather than against it. I am okay. I can do this. Convince yourself.